The Love I’ve Lost

I still remember the day we met. That was the beginning of our life together.

I had been waiting for you all along. It was like I had known you all my life and we needed each other to survive.

We didn’t know how to live without each other. We became each other’s comfort. They say that broken people attract broken people. That we date people who have had similar traumatic events. I never got to know your childhood story, but I know that you were hurting just like me.

I know you never meant to hurt me. I know you loved me just the way you knew how to love. I know that you needed me as much I needed you.

I still can’t grasp the fact that you’re never coming back. Sometimes I feel like you’re still around. I miss you so much.

I wish I could remember more. As time continues to pass, your memory continues to fade away.

I keep searching for pieces of you in every picture. I regret not taking more. I should’ve captured more good moments. I know we had many.

I wish I could tell you that I’m okay. I wish I could hold you. I wish you knew how much I loved you and how much it hurt to lose you.

I know now that we were toxic for each other. We hurt each other to find some relief from our own pain. I wanted you to be my safe haven, but you hurt me instead.

You were everything I had after my mother died. You picked up my broken pieces. I didn’t know that you would break me again.

The first time you hit me, I forgave you. It wasn’t a big deal. You wouldn’t do it again. I lied to myself over and over and every time you did it again. I thought that you would change because you loved me. I thought that it would all be better with time.

I was so, so wrong.

I should’ve left you the first time. Or the second, third, or fourth. I didn’t have the courage to do so.

Even though you hurt me, I never stopped loving you.

I’m not angry anymore. I was so angry at myself for leaving you. The guilt tore me apart each and every time I thought of you. I thought that maybe if I hadn’t left you, you would still be here. I got used to these feelings, I had felt them for so long. I thought that I would die without you. I lost myself when I lost you.

I didn’t want to live without you.

But I survived. I’ve learned to live without you. I forgive you now.

I have moved on. It wasn’t easy. It’s been so long. I can’t remember your voice, your touch, your scent.

I want you to know that I will never stop loving you. I will never forget you. I think of you every time I see our son. Every time he smiles. Every time he laughs.

He is so much like you. He’s the sweetest boy ever. He is caring, kind and so, so tall! He walks like you, he eats like you, he has so many of your features. I wish you could watch him grow. He’s a great kid! I know you’d be so proud of him!

The boys need you so much. They’ve always needed their dad. I know you would’ve taken care of us.

As I close this book of us, I realize how much progress I’ve made. How I’ve gone from feeling so much pain and not wanting to live, to healing and learning to live again. Learning to move on through every tragedy and never give up. Never lose hope.

I am slowly learning to love myself.

After living with guilt for so long I forgot about me. I forgot that I too needed love. I needed to forgive myself and move on.

You were my best mistake. The biggest lesson this life could give me.

Love Pao.

4 thoughts on “The Love I’ve Lost

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