Toxic Parents

We are not born with the option to choose our parents. We can’t change them for new ones or pick better ones. Life can sometimes seem unfair. It is. Many don’t even have parents. Some parents are abusive, others are just damaged, incapable of being good caregivers.

Growing up I thought my parents were awesome. I was the only child and had all their attention. They gave me everything they could and went the extra mile to give me what I wanted.

I never noticed any abuse, violence or neglect. I was a happy child.

Life dramatically changed for me. It happened so fast, my world was turned upside down.

After my parent’s divorce, I felt so alone. I was still a child. I didn’t get the attention I was used to anymore. Both, my mother and father were dealing with their own demons.

My teenage years came in with confusion, pain, and so much self-destruction. I had to cope any way I could. I was dealing with a totally different world. It was terrifying and so toxic.

I started seeing who my parents really were, or maybe just what they had become. I don’t blame them, I’ve forgiven them for not knowing what they were doing. I know it was never their intention to hurt me.

I cannot imagine a world where my kids don’t have me to take care of them. I might not be the perfect mother, but I sure try my best to be present.

When my mother passed away, I felt like she had abandoned me, like she had left me behind. It felt like she had left because I didn’t deserve her. I felt like I was being punished for everything I put her through. The guilt consumed my soul for way too long.

My father had been an alcoholic his entire life. I write about it on another post Loving An Alcoholic. It only got worse when my mom died. He hadn’t been around much after the divorce, but he was there when she got sick. He never stopped drinking, so for me, it was like he wasn’t even there. I was still put aside. There were always bigger issues going on, always more important than me.

Toxic people

My dad wasn’t the best father figure. He was always drunk. He used drugs in front of me and we even shared drugs at some point. I know we were both so broken when mom died, but I was still his child. He never knew how to be a good father.

That doesn’t mean I don’t love him, or that I don’t forgive him. But now his important role isn’t being my father, it is being a grandfather to my children. I know he’s trying. I know he loves us so much. He just can’t seem to get it right.

I’m stuck between wanting him in my kid’s lives because he’s their only grandpa and only father figure they’ve had or keeping him away from my kids as much as I can.

When he stopped drinking, the doctors gave him a whole cocktail of pills. They don’t want to deal with an addict, they give them what they ask for. Sadly, I see it way too much. Elderly people are so vulnerable and many times they don’t have someone to supervise what they take. I try helping my dad with his medication, but he doesn’t like it. He started taking more than he needed and now he’s addicted to pills. Of course I’m the crazy one, he doesn’t see it, he won’t admit it or let me help. I can’t do much about it.

Toxic people

My dad has smoked weed his entire life. My kids grew up seeing him, thinking it was normal. Now that they are teenagers, they think their grandpa is so cool. I did stop talking to him for some time, because he ended up in the ER for overdosing and mixing medication. It wasn’t the first time he took too many pills.

I had to make a choice and I thought it was better to keep him away from my kids. But God wants us to forgive and he wants us to love our parents.

I couldn’t keep him away forever. I still need my dad. But he’s a bad influence on my kids. Teenagers don’t seem to realize that because someone they love does things, it doesn’t make it right. They don’t see the effects that alcoholism and drug abuse had on my father. All those years of substance abuse has taken it’s toll on his mind and body. He looks older than he is, his memory is fading away, he lost all his teeth, and lives with chronic pain.

I keep telling my kids, he smokes because of his pain, not because it’s cool. But they don’t understand. My dad’s bad habits have had a huge influence on them.

I don’t want him around them anymore. I’m torn because I love my dad. I want him with us, but he’s never going to change.

Family is supposed to be our safe haven. Very often, it’s the place where we find the deepest heartache.

-Iyanla Vanzant

Sometimes parents can be toxic. I don’t think it makes me a bad daughter to want him at a distance. I think any mother would do the same. Sending my 15yr old to rehab was one of the hardest things I had to do. People say marijuana isn’t addictive, but there’s so much crap they put on it that you never know what you’re really smoking. And after you build tolerance you go to the next thing and so on.

I’ve been there. I’ve done it. It hurts my heart to see my kids commit the same stupid mistakes I did. How do I break this cycle?!! It’s so frustrating.

I have talked to my dad. I’m so mad at him. I forgave him for being a bad father, but I can’t do it when he’s bad for my kids.

Toxic people usually don’t seem to realize that they’re the ones contaminating the family or relationships. They’ve gotten used to that unhealthy environment and the older they are, it’s less likely that they’ll change. They don’t see any good enough reason to do so.

We can only do so much for someone who doesn’t want the help.

Toxic people drain you. They contaminate the environment just like a cigarette in any room. The person smoking doesn’t realize that it hurts everyone around them. Keep them away.

You are allowed to terminate your relationship with toxic family members.

You are allowed to walk away from people who hurt you.

You are allowed to be angry, selfish and unapologetic.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation for taking care of you.

Love Pao.

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