To My First Love

I created a life not knowing that you would give life to me. You came in the perfect moment without me even knowing it then. I didn’t know what I was doing, I had no idea what I was going to do with you. But I knew for sure that I wanted you, I wanted you so badly.

No one is born knowing how to be a parent. I didn’t know how to be a mother to you. I was also a child. It was never my intention to hurt you. I was so lost. I didn’t know how to deal with the fact that my mother had cancer. I just wanted things to get better, so I would run away and hide. I would go out to find the comfort I needed to keep going. To keep living through the pain of seeing my sick mother get weaker, knowing that she was going to die. Losing my mother broke me and it wasn’t your fault. I’m sorry.

I knew my aunt loved us so much, she would take better care of you than me. It didn’t mean I didn’t love you, or that I didn’t want you, I just couldn’t be the mom you needed at that time. I never left you, I was always around. It wasn’t long that we finally formed our little family. We had your two brothers and your father helped me take care of you guys. He loved you so much. He loved you since the first day he met you. You were always his daughter, he never stopped loving you. He was so proud to tell everyone that you were his little girl. He would be so proud of the kind, brave, strong and beautiful woman you have become.

Life wasn’t perfect. Your dad and I were so young, we made so many mistakes. But I know he never meant to hurt us. I know he was hurting too. The problem with pain is that it makes you lose focus on what’s really important. It’s this constant reminder that doesn’t let you heal. It’s feeling numb and broken at the same time. You don’t realize how much you’re hurting others because all you can see is your own suffering.

Children don’t seem to be affected by the parents’ problems when they’re so little. I didn’t know how much it would affect you, I wish I had known how to prevent the damage I caused. But I didn’t, life is just that way. God knows exactly how much we can tolerate and he knew we could overcome anything we experienced.

I’m sorry that I wasn’t the best mother, but God knows I tried. I tried as best as I knew how to.

You were my only reasons to keep going after I lost your father. My heart was left in pieces. I waited for him to come back for so long. I thought one day he would come knocking at our door and everything would be fine. But he never did. It hurt me just to see you, so innocent and happy, while I was so angry and broken. It was never your fault. I was angry at the world, I was angry at God for taking the only person I had. The only person that could comfort me.

All the anger and frustration all these years were never your fault. It was the pain in my heart that I so heavily carried.

I know that I’ve hurt you. I know that you think I don’t love you. I know that you’re confused and have a hard time understanding what I say or do. Everything I do is for you to be safe and happy. Every mother wants the best for their child, but we never want to be the bad guys. I’m not your enemy. No one in this world will ever love you as much as I do. No one will ever take care of you like I do. No one will worry about you like I do. I wish I had my mother to care for me. You have no idea how much I’ve needed her, I still do.

I know I’ve made many mistakes, but I’ve also made some good choices. I’ve given you my life because you are all that matters to me. God sent me four angels to love and protect.

The first time I laid eyes on you I knew I would love you forever. I knew I wanted to give you everything I didn’t have. I wanted to hold you and never let go.

Now that you’ve grown, I can’t protect you from the world, all I can do is help you and guide you to make better choices. I can’t make them for you. I wish I could. It doesn’t work that way. I wish everything were easier, but growing up is everything but easy.

It is so hard to see you make the same mistakes I made. It hurts my heart to see you get hurt. I wish I could see through your eyes. I don’t understand you and that scares me. I wish I knew how to help you, but you keep pushing me away.

All I can say is that I love you. And I will always be your mother, you will always be my baby girl.

Te amo Alejandra.

Love mom.

12 thoughts on “To My First Love

      1. Temitope Michael-O says:

        Thank you for sharing your experience and the process. I look forward to reading more of your writings. I am studying infant and early childhood mental health, your blog reminds me of the articles I have read so far. I love what your blog is all about. I feel so blessed to know you. The fact that you overcame intergenerational trauma is significant. God bless you!

        Liked by 1 person

  1. WendyMegget says:

    This is the most honest and open thing I’ve read in ages. Good on you for laying it all down on the page. You’ve actually made me cry it was so beautiful :o)

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s