To the One I Hurt When I Was Hurting

The day I met you, my life changed. You were like no one else I had ever met. I was used to dating these bad boys, but you were good. You had a job and you were going to college. You didn’t drink or smoke or do drugs. I was bad for you, but you didn’t mind at all. I didn’t know you had a girlfriend, I never asked you to leave her. It was never my intention to hurt anyone. God knows I never meant to hurt you!

I was broken. I was searching for that love I had lost, but it was not a good type of love. Love shouldn’t hurt. Then you came and showed me a type of love I didn’t know. At first, it was great, but I wasn’t used to that. I was used to being hurt. My messed up mind made me panic. I was trying to protect my heart from being hurt again, so I pushed you away.

I was wild. You started drinking and going out with me. That was the life I was used to. I was still hurting, but it wasn’t your fault. I knew I loved you, I loved you so much, I still do. I knew you had to get tired of me, it’s like I did it on purpose, I made you go back to her. She was always ready to pick up the pieces I broke.

You always came back though. I know you loved me too. We were actually great together. You made me a better person, and I loved that person I was with you. I didn’t tell you enough how much you meant to me, I didn’t get to show you how I really felt. The drugs didn’t let me, my heart was guarded and I was terrified of letting you in.

I’m sorry that you had to fall in love with me when I was so broken. It wasn’t your pain to heal. You didn’t know what I had been through, you didn’t understand my demons, but that’s okay. It wasn’t your fault. Your life had been so different from mine. You had other values and priorities. I had done everything backward. I had been married and had kids and you were just starting to live.

I’m sorry that I made you pay for all the damage you didn’t cause. I’m sorry that I hurt you while I was hurting so bad. I didn’t know how to love. The only love I knew was possessive, abusive, and manipulative. The love I knew hurt and left me in pieces over and over again.

The day I found out I was pregnant, I was so happy, but I was terrified. I had messed up and I knew there would be consequences. I prayed to God to fix things, but it doesn’t work that way. You don’t ask God to fix things for you. It was never in my plans to hurt you this way. I was not okay but I never wanted to be with anyone but you. We were both hurting and we didn’t know better than to run back to what made us feel good, even if it was only temporary. For me it was drugs and for you it was her.

I think it hurt me more when we found out my baby wasn’t yours. We both knew there was a chance that you weren’t the father. I never lied to you, nor did I say otherwise, you know that. I was hoping with all my heart that you were. I had plans for us and our family. He was going to be named after you. I had told you that if he wasn’t yours, I would let you go and never look back. And I did. But you came back. Everything was different now. I was back to my bad habits, finding comfort in the party nights. I was angry at myself for hurting you this way. I was angry at God for letting me mess this up so bad. I was angry at you for going back to her every time you couldn’t handle me.

It didn’t work out because you had changed so much. Now you were going out, drinking and doing drugs. You were talking to different girls all the time. You were with her too. But I kept letting you in. I always let you come back, even if it hurt to see you go. You made me crazy. I’m sorry I broke your car. I’m sorry I broke you.

I don’t regret meeting you though. With you, I learned what real love is. You made me feel complete. I thought I was never going to experience that again. That’s the bad thing about making someone your other half when they leave, you are once again incomplete. But you didn’t leave, I made you go and I made sure you didn’t come back. I was good at that.

For years, I missed you. I thought I couldn’t live without you. I wanted you back, but I knew I didn’t deserve you. I knew I had hurt you and you deserved better. I knew I wasn’t capable of healing the damage I had caused. Now you were the one that was guarding your heart. You didn’t know what you wanted. You didn’t know who you wanted to be with.

That day at the park, I was dying to hold you. It had been long without seeing you. I thought I had moved on, but then you show up! With that smirk on your face and that cynical laugh. You told me about that new girl you were dating. I was so jealous. I went home and cried. I cried for days.

I realized that I had been stuck waiting on you, waiting for you to come back like you always did. I had to let you go. I had to stop this madness and move on with my life. I had to focus on getting my life together.

Seeing you married and with a baby, I just feel so happy for you! I just want to call you to catch up and tell you how I feel. I know it’s not going to happen, I don’t think your wife would like that. But it’s this intense love I feel for you that makes me want to hug you and tell you how much joy it brings to my heart to see you happy. I just want to meet your little one and see you playing with him. God knows these feelings in my heart are pure and true.

When I saw you again, I wanted to go talk to you, I wanted to hug you, but I knew it was better not to. You looked at me, waved and smiled and I waved and smiled back. That moment I felt something different, it wasn’t pain anymore. I knew you were happy and I had moved on.

Hoping that things would’ve been different is useless. Things happened that way because it’s all in God’s plan for us. Thank you for loving me when I couldn’t even love myself. I will always love you.

I’m sorry that I hurt you when I was hurting.

Love Pao.