Some days the smallest things can make me breakdown. Like last night, after a great day, on our way home my tire just popped. It was late and I had five kids riding with me. Now what? Ugh.
Days like these make me feel lonely, I get overwhelmed and start overthinking. Why can’t I find a good man that can change my flat tire? Why can’t I find a good job that can pay me enough to get some new tires or a good car, God knows I need it! Why does everything go wrong when I’m doing things right?
I panic and I just want to hide and cry. I feel like everything is just going so wrong all the time. All the progress I’ve made seems so small. I feel impotent and hopeless. I know it’s just my mind telling me all these lies, but there’s no way to control them. I’ve been learning how to shift my thoughts and emotions to good ones, but it’s hard. It’s harder when things like these happen. I know it’s just a tire, I can replace it with another one, right? But it’s not the first time this happens and it’s going to happen again soon with another tire. Or my truck’s just going to give up on me one of these days. It’s the only vehicle I have and I need it for everything. Everyone knows how important our vehicles are for everyday life, mostly when you have kids.
On these days I miss my husband so much. He wasn’t the best husband, but he always got me through these type of things. He always found a way to fix any situation. He was the only one I could always run to when I needed comfort.
Now I turn to God, I pray for comfort and peace of mind. It’s not easy. You don’t get what you ask for right away, or the way you want it. I still struggle with finding some type of meaning to all this. Why am I so damaged? When will I ever feel better? When will I heal? What can I change to make life easier? Am I ever finding someone to share my life with, or did I already have that chance? Do I deserve to be happy? Is it always going to be this way?
The more I think, the more I drown in my own thoughts. I feel this emptiness in my soul that can’t be filled. I can’t be saved from my own mind. I feel nauseous and my throat is a knot.
Our entire day had been great. We ended our evening with a great time in the pool at my new friend’s house with people from church. I love these people. We feel welcomed and loved anytime we’re with them. Now, this insignificant situation had brought out the worst of me.
I told myself we were so lucky that we didn’t have an accident. I had used the truck all day and on the highway, driving 65 miles an hour. I just thought of what could’ve happened and it made me realize that God was watching over us. God is always watching over us. He sent a brother from church to change my tire and we got everyone home safely.
I’m struggling with what my heart believes and what my mind tells me. The mind is a very powerful thing. It can make you feel physically sick and it can convince you that the lies it tells you are true. I battle with my demons every single day. It’s a battle against myself, sometimes it takes extra effort to just get out of bed.
I know that some people have it worse than me, but my brain doesn’t understand that. Am I not allowed to feel sad because my situation isn’t as bad as someone else’s? I know that it will get better, but it seems like it isn’t. It seems like I take one step forward and ten steps back.
How do we deal with these demons in our head? We pray. We pray with all our hearts and all our faith! We believe that something good is coming out from all the bad times. We never lose hope.
God will put his angels in charge of you to protect you wherever you go.